I'm Such a Hippie

After watching the Lost series finale, one of the things that struck me (don't worry - no spoilers here), was that there were almost exclusively couples in the final scene. As I was in a pretty emotional state at that point, I was moved to think, "Man, love really is what it's all about."

This is nothing new for me, because I've been really like that for most of my life. I've always been in touch with my feelings of love and appreciation. I've always tried to be verbal with the people who have been good to me, and even at 3 am feedings, I've tried to be "in the moment" with my bundle of joy. I have this great marriage, and several close friends that I've had for years. I got this love thing down.

This epiphany from TV, however, made me think about the places in my life that weren't full of love: the grudges I've kept and the people I've written off. I starting feeling how unimportant those things were, and, while I'm not going to throw myself at people who find it a pleasure to manipulate and hurt, I've found that it's easier to just "get over" things that don't have a simple way out.

My husband and I were talking about it on the way home from the Lost Finale Party (heheh, sort of a party. there were two couples, one toddler, and some wheezy dogs that kept eating my chips.), and we realized that that's the one goal we can really say we have for our children: to find an actual, real love that will last. I hate to sound all Snow White-y, hoping that someday their princes (and princesses) will come, but what higher goal can there be? Sure, my kids will be brilliant and successful (right?), but how much more important is it for them to find someone who makes them happy than find a job that makes them rich! When I think about my other "kids" - my students - I honestly hope the same for them. I see some of them out there trying to figure out what to do and focusing so much on where and how much they want out of life, but what makes me the most pleased is when one of them finds someone that really makes him or her feel like no one else in the world could compare.

So if you're looking around and trying to figure out how to make your mark on the world, don't forget to keep an eye out for someone who you could make your world.

And peace, man.

Too Old for This...

Man, I hate the days when I don't feel like an adult. I've been in a slump for a month or so and I didn't realize it till today. I feel like I did when I was a teenager: this overhanging sense of being a screw-up. Isn't that horrible? I'm in my 30's, in a great marriage, have a great kid. I'm a homeowner (and even landlady), pretty good at my job (except getting grades in on time - but who doesn't have issues with deadlines?), and, overall, happy with things. So why do I feel like any minute now I'll be discovered as a fraud?

Some of the stuff that's been bumming me out has been legit, but most of it has little to do with me feeling foolish or like an outsider.

I was a little bummed a couple of months ago when a disagreement with a friend led to me dropping one of the projects I had been working with her on. While I ended up being relieved to have more time with my family and things that should have been taking priority, things were said and done that just plain hurt my feelings (am I not bigger than that?), and I was bummed to leave the other people involved. I was a bit bummed when I had to put on a brave, bigger-than-this face for the dropped project's final showing. I was a bit bummed when I realized that I couldn't bring myself to apologize for something I don't believe was wrong just to make peace with a friend. Actually, I was more bummed to think that my friend would probably never really believe that she wasn't right in what she did. I'm bummed to think there's really no resolution here. I was a bit bummed when my husband didn't get one of the promotions we were hoping for. I was a little bummed last month when I had what looked like a really early miscarriage. I was a bit more bummed when the doctor determined that they weren't sure if it was an incomplete miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy and I had to get these shots to make it go away. I was pretty bummed, too, when they said I'd have to wait another three months before trying again for another baby.

I've just been in a funk here.

What's weird is that it's just now hitting me. I keep thinking it'll be okay when all this is over, but I'm not very sure what "all this" is. Maybe it's because it's overcast and muggy. Maybe I'll feel much better on Sunday. I'm not really a hopeless type of person, but I'm definitely squinting really hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel today.