Exes

I used to feel a bit of self-pity about having been dumped back in the day. Even as a happily married woman, I still felt that twinge of "mean ol' boys didn't know what they'd be missing". I must say that, recently, I had a bit of a change of heart about that. I mean, yes, totally the two (three?) guys that totally dumped me did not realize what they were missing, but, truth be told, I wasn't my best self when I was with them and I really can't blame him. Once I got into relationships that lasted more than two weeks, I ended up blindsiding them by morphing into the kind of girlfriend you see in How to Lose A Guy in Ten Days, instead of remaining the charming self I really am. [ahem.] Poor Brandon. And Dan.

Usually, though, I was pretty quick on the dumping draw myself. If any little thing went wrong or I just lost the fire, he was outta there. For example, my first boyfriend ever, Brian, got a haircut. Apparently, that was enough for my 2nd-grade-self to see the light, and away he went. Frankie, in the 8th grade, asked me to be his girlfriend on Thursday, then on Friday, he said a curse word at my lunch table. Being the kind of girl I was, I didn't stand for that kind of disrespect and dumped him in a note on Monday. In my later years, I regretted this, because in high school he lost the big glasses and became a titan of intellect and athleticism and hotness. Fortunately, he secretly still pined for me until college, when we ran back into each other, started dating, didn't break up, got married, and started having babies together. Now, it's not so secret that we like each other, but it helped that I cut out the crazy long before we said "I do" (okay, so I mostly cut out the crazy. I'm a woman, I have my days.)

When I was talking to some of the girls on the drill team I sponsor, I reminded them that for all these "dumb ol' boys" that they're tired of and have to dump, there's my son. He's a gorgeous little toddler who loves his mom and is doted on by these beautiful, charming girls. I reminded them that those boys were once like him, and that my boy, presumably, will some day have his heart broken by a dumb ol' girl. So there's a part of me that winces now for the boys who I wasn't very nice to or who I didn't pay attention to or whose heart I may have broken. If that's you, I'm sorry, and here's hoping karma recognizes my humility for my son's sake.

Family Planning

I ran to Walmart yesterday with a list of things in mind to pick up. Frankie was working; it was just me & the boy. Stopping at Mas Amigos beforehand & walking into the store, I had already seen 5 or 6 current/former students, a Prancer mom, my Sunday school teacher from when I was 4 and random other familiar inhabitants of my small town.

I went down the aisle that has digestive health products on the right that lead into adult diapers at the end and, on the left, shaving products that trickle into family planning. As a married adult pondering the pregnancy test section in previous years, I know what it's like to be aware of the fact that when you hit that section of the store and you're not an AARP member, people know what you've been up to. I've considered that it is necessary to grab the EPT and go, lest rumors of your future children's names get back around to you the next day. I don't think I have ever been "caught" down the family planning aisle, though. Lucky Me.

Not so Lucky Troy*. Or maybe lucky in a different way. I had Troy last year. He's a funny guy, making jokes and being silly. I wouldn't expect him to be so talented with the ladies because he's more of just a goof. Perhaps I underestimated him.

Razor blades were on my shopping list. The kind that's surrounded by the bar of whatever that makes your shaving experience a pleasant job, one-handed, surrounded by bubbles and making you feel sleek & sexy like a Roman goddess (according to the commercial). Troy and his friend were boldly contemplating ribbed or colored, I suppose, when I walked down the aisle. Always one to make an uncomfortable scene more uncomfortable, I cracked a smile when Troy glanced up and caught my eye.

"Glad to see you're being safe there, Troy," I cracked.

Blushing but bold, Troy quipped, "Yep, you gotta think about these things."

We stood for a moment, contemplating our respective choices quickly & quietly, then went on our merry ways. On the other side of the aisle was the Prancer mom I had seen earlier. She had heard the exchange and was giggling to herself when she saw me. We chuckled together at the joys of small town living.

*Names have been changed to protect the sexually active.