Too Old for This...

Man, I hate the days when I don't feel like an adult. I've been in a slump for a month or so and I didn't realize it till today. I feel like I did when I was a teenager: this overhanging sense of being a screw-up. Isn't that horrible? I'm in my 30's, in a great marriage, have a great kid. I'm a homeowner (and even landlady), pretty good at my job (except getting grades in on time - but who doesn't have issues with deadlines?), and, overall, happy with things. So why do I feel like any minute now I'll be discovered as a fraud?

Some of the stuff that's been bumming me out has been legit, but most of it has little to do with me feeling foolish or like an outsider.

I was a little bummed a couple of months ago when a disagreement with a friend led to me dropping one of the projects I had been working with her on. While I ended up being relieved to have more time with my family and things that should have been taking priority, things were said and done that just plain hurt my feelings (am I not bigger than that?), and I was bummed to leave the other people involved. I was a bit bummed when I had to put on a brave, bigger-than-this face for the dropped project's final showing. I was a bit bummed when I realized that I couldn't bring myself to apologize for something I don't believe was wrong just to make peace with a friend. Actually, I was more bummed to think that my friend would probably never really believe that she wasn't right in what she did. I'm bummed to think there's really no resolution here. I was a bit bummed when my husband didn't get one of the promotions we were hoping for. I was a little bummed last month when I had what looked like a really early miscarriage. I was a bit more bummed when the doctor determined that they weren't sure if it was an incomplete miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy and I had to get these shots to make it go away. I was pretty bummed, too, when they said I'd have to wait another three months before trying again for another baby.

I've just been in a funk here.

What's weird is that it's just now hitting me. I keep thinking it'll be okay when all this is over, but I'm not very sure what "all this" is. Maybe it's because it's overcast and muggy. Maybe I'll feel much better on Sunday. I'm not really a hopeless type of person, but I'm definitely squinting really hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel today.