I'm Such a Hippie

After watching the Lost series finale, one of the things that struck me (don't worry - no spoilers here), was that there were almost exclusively couples in the final scene. As I was in a pretty emotional state at that point, I was moved to think, "Man, love really is what it's all about."

This is nothing new for me, because I've been really like that for most of my life. I've always been in touch with my feelings of love and appreciation. I've always tried to be verbal with the people who have been good to me, and even at 3 am feedings, I've tried to be "in the moment" with my bundle of joy. I have this great marriage, and several close friends that I've had for years. I got this love thing down.

This epiphany from TV, however, made me think about the places in my life that weren't full of love: the grudges I've kept and the people I've written off. I starting feeling how unimportant those things were, and, while I'm not going to throw myself at people who find it a pleasure to manipulate and hurt, I've found that it's easier to just "get over" things that don't have a simple way out.

My husband and I were talking about it on the way home from the Lost Finale Party (heheh, sort of a party. there were two couples, one toddler, and some wheezy dogs that kept eating my chips.), and we realized that that's the one goal we can really say we have for our children: to find an actual, real love that will last. I hate to sound all Snow White-y, hoping that someday their princes (and princesses) will come, but what higher goal can there be? Sure, my kids will be brilliant and successful (right?), but how much more important is it for them to find someone who makes them happy than find a job that makes them rich! When I think about my other "kids" - my students - I honestly hope the same for them. I see some of them out there trying to figure out what to do and focusing so much on where and how much they want out of life, but what makes me the most pleased is when one of them finds someone that really makes him or her feel like no one else in the world could compare.

So if you're looking around and trying to figure out how to make your mark on the world, don't forget to keep an eye out for someone who you could make your world.

And peace, man.

Too Old for This...

Man, I hate the days when I don't feel like an adult. I've been in a slump for a month or so and I didn't realize it till today. I feel like I did when I was a teenager: this overhanging sense of being a screw-up. Isn't that horrible? I'm in my 30's, in a great marriage, have a great kid. I'm a homeowner (and even landlady), pretty good at my job (except getting grades in on time - but who doesn't have issues with deadlines?), and, overall, happy with things. So why do I feel like any minute now I'll be discovered as a fraud?

Some of the stuff that's been bumming me out has been legit, but most of it has little to do with me feeling foolish or like an outsider.

I was a little bummed a couple of months ago when a disagreement with a friend led to me dropping one of the projects I had been working with her on. While I ended up being relieved to have more time with my family and things that should have been taking priority, things were said and done that just plain hurt my feelings (am I not bigger than that?), and I was bummed to leave the other people involved. I was a bit bummed when I had to put on a brave, bigger-than-this face for the dropped project's final showing. I was a bit bummed when I realized that I couldn't bring myself to apologize for something I don't believe was wrong just to make peace with a friend. Actually, I was more bummed to think that my friend would probably never really believe that she wasn't right in what she did. I'm bummed to think there's really no resolution here. I was a bit bummed when my husband didn't get one of the promotions we were hoping for. I was a little bummed last month when I had what looked like a really early miscarriage. I was a bit more bummed when the doctor determined that they weren't sure if it was an incomplete miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy and I had to get these shots to make it go away. I was pretty bummed, too, when they said I'd have to wait another three months before trying again for another baby.

I've just been in a funk here.

What's weird is that it's just now hitting me. I keep thinking it'll be okay when all this is over, but I'm not very sure what "all this" is. Maybe it's because it's overcast and muggy. Maybe I'll feel much better on Sunday. I'm not really a hopeless type of person, but I'm definitely squinting really hard to find the light at the end of the tunnel today.

Exes

I used to feel a bit of self-pity about having been dumped back in the day. Even as a happily married woman, I still felt that twinge of "mean ol' boys didn't know what they'd be missing". I must say that, recently, I had a bit of a change of heart about that. I mean, yes, totally the two (three?) guys that totally dumped me did not realize what they were missing, but, truth be told, I wasn't my best self when I was with them and I really can't blame him. Once I got into relationships that lasted more than two weeks, I ended up blindsiding them by morphing into the kind of girlfriend you see in How to Lose A Guy in Ten Days, instead of remaining the charming self I really am. [ahem.] Poor Brandon. And Dan.

Usually, though, I was pretty quick on the dumping draw myself. If any little thing went wrong or I just lost the fire, he was outta there. For example, my first boyfriend ever, Brian, got a haircut. Apparently, that was enough for my 2nd-grade-self to see the light, and away he went. Frankie, in the 8th grade, asked me to be his girlfriend on Thursday, then on Friday, he said a curse word at my lunch table. Being the kind of girl I was, I didn't stand for that kind of disrespect and dumped him in a note on Monday. In my later years, I regretted this, because in high school he lost the big glasses and became a titan of intellect and athleticism and hotness. Fortunately, he secretly still pined for me until college, when we ran back into each other, started dating, didn't break up, got married, and started having babies together. Now, it's not so secret that we like each other, but it helped that I cut out the crazy long before we said "I do" (okay, so I mostly cut out the crazy. I'm a woman, I have my days.)

When I was talking to some of the girls on the drill team I sponsor, I reminded them that for all these "dumb ol' boys" that they're tired of and have to dump, there's my son. He's a gorgeous little toddler who loves his mom and is doted on by these beautiful, charming girls. I reminded them that those boys were once like him, and that my boy, presumably, will some day have his heart broken by a dumb ol' girl. So there's a part of me that winces now for the boys who I wasn't very nice to or who I didn't pay attention to or whose heart I may have broken. If that's you, I'm sorry, and here's hoping karma recognizes my humility for my son's sake.

Copying

I always warn my students against this, but I'm totally copying someone else's ideas. I mean, seriously, I'm off for the summer! How could anyone use their brains in the thick coastal heat?

Anyway, Claire mentioned blogging about the people she loved and I'm inspired. I think I'll start with the short list:

Frankie
The Boy

This is easy peasy, right?
Husband.
Child.
But really(!), I have reasons.
The Boy has changed me, softened me and yet totally allowed me to be all I've ever been. He smiles when I do silly voices and looks into my eyes when I sing. He charges toward me (on his belly) when he sees me coming and acts like my peeking from behind the couch is pure comedy. He is, also, the definition of the love in my marriage.
Frankie + Leah = The Boy
I've mentioned before about my husband: awesome. One of the best things is that he and I contain the exact same ratio of geekiness to coolness. Other people may disagree about what that ratio is, but we're fully aware of our delicate balances.

I made a list when I was about 15 or 16 about the things I wanted in a husband. (I could probably dig that precise list out from some shelf or basket in a couple of hours if I thought it was important, but it feels unnecessary.) I knew him then, but he was not on my internal list of potential husbands: that really only included a wispy idea of a man.

I wanted someone who:

• was musical (especially one who could sing),
• was attractive (more attractive than me or less? Always the quandary. Do I want to have a trophy husband or be someone's trophy wife? I'm not making any grand claims to beauty here, just ),
• could make me laugh (so much more important than romantic: this I learned from a combination of ex-boyfriends: Shawn & Dan. One was the romantic poet, the other a constant joker. I remember the moment of epiphany: I was so much happier with the funny guy.),
• was more intelligent than me (not quite the Feminist, I guess),
• was athletic - specifically good at baseball (a girl's got to know what she wants),
• was Christian,
• & could be publicly affectionate (How many of us have had that boyfriend who won't hold your hand at the mall, but wants to explore forms of affection when you're alone together? Yes. I thought so.).

These are not groundbreaking desires for a girl of sixteen, but I honestly didn't believe that I could find someone with all those properties who would be interested in me. I know better than to think I just got lucky: this guy claims to have been pining for me since the 6th grade, so I know God just looked down at my list and said, "I've been wondering where I put that blueprint for this guy!" (Ok, so, if you know us, you know there's one thing missing. Frankie doesn't sing: at least, not publicly, right? When I made my list I was thinking of some bold tenor singing a solo in church, but I realize now that made-up lullabies sung to an audience of one count, too.)

Pregnancy News

The news is that there is no longer a pregnancy. For those of you who haven't heard, I have a one-week-old son today.

At 30 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I was admitted to the hospital (Wednesday the 15th) with toxemia. I was told I'd be in the hospital until the baby was born, which could be anywhere from a week to a month, but that there was no way I'd make it to October. For 3 days my bloodwork never came back bad, but my blood pressure and protein counts elevated continuously. Baby Clark, due October 19th, was born August 19th!

Anyway, I had a c-section, which wasn't at all what I was expecting, and I'm home recovering, but baby's still in the hospital. He's very small (3lbs 4oz at birth), but he's just lovely. He has his daddy's cleft chin (whatta man!) and big ol' feet, and my fingers. Right now, he looks a little alien-ish because he's a preemie, and his arms look like chicken wings because he didn't have time to build up any fat, but he's healthy and constantly doing better than the doctors expect. He stopped needing extra oxygen after day 5 and is feeding through a tube down his throat instead of IV. The doctor said not to look forward to (what would have been) 35 weeks, because I might be disappointed, but 39 weeks should definitely be enough. In the meantime, I'm off of work for 8 weeks, but don't have any baby to take care of. We go into Houston every other day to see him, but we can't hold him yet and the gas is a chunk of change, so it's not quite urgent to go every day.

Anyway, that's the news.