I was just saying the other day that I'm sure the two most complained-about parts of people's lives are their JOBS and their MARRIAGES, and I, lucky girl that I am, feel like I have the best of each of these. Here I am, at home on an extended maternity leave, EXCITED about returning to work: getting back to the books and the kids and the bustle of education. It's one thing to be excited about a new job; it's a miracle to be excited about *returning* to your old job.
Also, I have said since the beginning of my marriage that it is the best marriage of anyone I know. Granted, I am not inside anyone else's home, but I see very little evidence in the outside world of marriage partners who do anything more than tolerate their spouses. I am *so* grateful that my husband and I really are best friends, revel in each other's company, prefer each other to anyone else, laugh ALL the time, steal time to see each other like teenagers and actually have conversations about everything from science, religion and literature to movies, cartoons and idiot thoughts. I am not just sharing my home with this guy; I'm sharing my life. How wonderful is it that this is how I get to live?!
Aside from that, I've ALWAYS been thankful for this big, close extended family of mine: aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. From the time I was a kid, I knew that other people are not all like us. We're low on drama (not empty, mind you, but low) and high on laughter and good times. Since my mom's side of the family is pretty much the only side I have, I feel blessed that it's so close.
There are also just tons of little things I'm thankful for, things I don't want to take for granted. A (new) house, a car that runs (even if it is 9 years old), a college education, a television, a computer, a cell phone (ah, technology!), living in a small town where I can go for a walk down my street without having to worry about guns or smog, being known and liked, being alive and able to walk, talk and think without assistance or restriction, the right to question and discuss. Books and music.
Now, I have this great kid to be thankful for: these little glimpses of a dimpled smile, sweet little (long!) toes, tender sleepy moments. And, after five weeks of visiting my baby in a box, invaded by tubes and IV's, and not getting to hold him, I'm even thankful for 3am feedings, dirty diapers and bawling sessions.
03 December 2007
26 August 2007
Pregnancy News
The news is that there is no longer a pregnancy. For those of you who haven't heard, I have a one-week-old son today.
At 30 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I was admitted to the hospital (Wednesday the 15th) with toxemia. I was told I'd be in the hospital until the baby was born, which could be anywhere from a week to a month, but that there was no way I'd make it to October. For 3 days my bloodwork never came back bad, but my blood pressure and protein counts elevated continuously. Baby Clark, due October 19th, was born August 19th!
Anyway, I had a c-section, which wasn't at all what I was expecting, and I'm home recovering, but baby's still in the hospital. He's very small (3lbs 4oz at birth), but he's just lovely. He has his daddy's cleft chin (whatta man!) and big ol' feet, and my fingers. Right now, he looks a little alien-ish because he's a preemie, and his arms look like chicken wings because he didn't have time to build up any fat, but he's healthy and constantly doing better than the doctors expect. He stopped needing extra oxygen after day 5 and is feeding through a tube down his throat instead of IV. The doctor said not to look forward to (what would have been) 35 weeks, because I might be disappointed, but 39 weeks should definitely be enough. In the meantime, I'm off of work for 8 weeks, but don't have any baby to take care of. We go into Houston every other day to see him, but we can't hold him yet and the gas is a chunk of change, so it's not quite urgent to go every day.
Anyway, that's the news.
At 30 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I was admitted to the hospital (Wednesday the 15th) with toxemia. I was told I'd be in the hospital until the baby was born, which could be anywhere from a week to a month, but that there was no way I'd make it to October. For 3 days my bloodwork never came back bad, but my blood pressure and protein counts elevated continuously. Baby Clark, due October 19th, was born August 19th!
Anyway, I had a c-section, which wasn't at all what I was expecting, and I'm home recovering, but baby's still in the hospital. He's very small (3lbs 4oz at birth), but he's just lovely. He has his daddy's cleft chin (whatta man!) and big ol' feet, and my fingers. Right now, he looks a little alien-ish because he's a preemie, and his arms look like chicken wings because he didn't have time to build up any fat, but he's healthy and constantly doing better than the doctors expect. He stopped needing extra oxygen after day 5 and is feeding through a tube down his throat instead of IV. The doctor said not to look forward to (what would have been) 35 weeks, because I might be disappointed, but 39 weeks should definitely be enough. In the meantime, I'm off of work for 8 weeks, but don't have any baby to take care of. We go into Houston every other day to see him, but we can't hold him yet and the gas is a chunk of change, so it's not quite urgent to go every day.
Anyway, that's the news.
10 August 2007
Reunion Insecurities (Excuses)
Y'know, I never figured myself for one of those people who just isn't interested in going to my reunion. Really, I'm just not that pumped about it. Having the internet and all these websites available, I'm connected to the people with whom I want to be connected and know way too much about the rest. Maybe after 20 years and some real life changes - when the kids are more grown up and we have some stories to tell - MAYBE then I might be interested.
Perhaps I'm just too caught up in the things that are actually going on in my life. Perhaps I'm not interested in showing up at a reunion 9 months pregnant. Perhaps I'm too content with my own life to feel the need to compare myself with other people (which I inevitably do because I'm indecently competitive), which would inevitably lead to soul-searching and having to come BACK to the conclusion that I wouldn't have it any other way.
Honestly, my first reaction does tend to be a sense of failure: I'm "just" a teacher, I'm married to one of my classmates (no one famous or billionairish), I don't look as good as I did when I was 18, I'm still living in the area, I've "only" got a bachelor's degree from a no-name university, I don't even have one complete child yet. I know people expected me to be a doctor or lawyer - I know I expected me to be a doctor or lawyer. I know I had these huge plans for my life, so it bums me out a little to say that I'm "just" who I am, however much who I am is exactly who I want to be.
I love being a teacher (now) - last year was the most fulfilling year of my life, professionally, and I am surprised at finding myself dueling internally about whether or not to leave after this year to stay home with my baby. I love my husband: I'm proud of him and we're so ridiculously happy to have each other. He may not be a billionaire or famous, but he works hard and people like him and trust him and he's an excellent man in general. I may have gained weight, but I used to be so obsessed with weight and how I looked: now I'm more confident and healthy than I was then, anyway. I live near my hometown because my family's important to me and because I want my kids to know what it's like to know their classmates and their families and to not have to worry about metal detectors or finding a way to stick out among thousands of classmates. I have a degree in English - which is what I'm actually interested in - and I'm using it, which is more than a lot of people I know get to do. I plan to someday expand on that and get more degrees, but only because I love going to school and I love the sense of accomplishment a degree brings. I didn't go to a huge, fancy school, but I enjoyed what I had and graduated: what else can you ask for? And I may not have one complete child yet, but he's coming and he's wonderful and even being pregnant has been one of the happiest times of my life.
I'm SO fulfilled with my life right now that I guess I'm a little scared I'll get around other people and feel the need to justify my happiness or feel guilty for not doing more. Is this what everyone deals with? Or am I just a little too self-aware?
Perhaps I'm just too caught up in the things that are actually going on in my life. Perhaps I'm not interested in showing up at a reunion 9 months pregnant. Perhaps I'm too content with my own life to feel the need to compare myself with other people (which I inevitably do because I'm indecently competitive), which would inevitably lead to soul-searching and having to come BACK to the conclusion that I wouldn't have it any other way.
Honestly, my first reaction does tend to be a sense of failure: I'm "just" a teacher, I'm married to one of my classmates (no one famous or billionairish), I don't look as good as I did when I was 18, I'm still living in the area, I've "only" got a bachelor's degree from a no-name university, I don't even have one complete child yet. I know people expected me to be a doctor or lawyer - I know I expected me to be a doctor or lawyer. I know I had these huge plans for my life, so it bums me out a little to say that I'm "just" who I am, however much who I am is exactly who I want to be.
I love being a teacher (now) - last year was the most fulfilling year of my life, professionally, and I am surprised at finding myself dueling internally about whether or not to leave after this year to stay home with my baby. I love my husband: I'm proud of him and we're so ridiculously happy to have each other. He may not be a billionaire or famous, but he works hard and people like him and trust him and he's an excellent man in general. I may have gained weight, but I used to be so obsessed with weight and how I looked: now I'm more confident and healthy than I was then, anyway. I live near my hometown because my family's important to me and because I want my kids to know what it's like to know their classmates and their families and to not have to worry about metal detectors or finding a way to stick out among thousands of classmates. I have a degree in English - which is what I'm actually interested in - and I'm using it, which is more than a lot of people I know get to do. I plan to someday expand on that and get more degrees, but only because I love going to school and I love the sense of accomplishment a degree brings. I didn't go to a huge, fancy school, but I enjoyed what I had and graduated: what else can you ask for? And I may not have one complete child yet, but he's coming and he's wonderful and even being pregnant has been one of the happiest times of my life.
I'm SO fulfilled with my life right now that I guess I'm a little scared I'll get around other people and feel the need to justify my happiness or feel guilty for not doing more. Is this what everyone deals with? Or am I just a little too self-aware?
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