Reunion Insecurities (Excuses)

Y'know, I never figured myself for one of those people who just isn't interested in going to my reunion. Really, I'm just not that pumped about it. Having the internet and all these websites available, I'm connected to the people with whom I want to be connected and know way too much about the rest. Maybe after 20 years and some real life changes - when the kids are more grown up and we have some stories to tell - MAYBE then I might be interested.

Perhaps I'm just too caught up in the things that are actually going on in my life. Perhaps I'm not interested in showing up at a reunion 9 months pregnant. Perhaps I'm too content with my own life to feel the need to compare myself with other people (which I inevitably do because I'm indecently competitive), which would inevitably lead to soul-searching and having to come BACK to the conclusion that I wouldn't have it any other way.

Honestly, my first reaction does tend to be a sense of failure: I'm "just" a teacher, I'm married to one of my classmates (no one famous or billionairish), I don't look as good as I did when I was 18, I'm still living in the area, I've "only" got a bachelor's degree from a no-name university, I don't even have one complete child yet. I know people expected me to be a doctor or lawyer - I know I expected me to be a doctor or lawyer. I know I had these huge plans for my life, so it bums me out a little to say that I'm "just" who I am, however much who I am is exactly who I want to be.

I love being a teacher (now) - last year was the most fulfilling year of my life, professionally, and I am surprised at finding myself dueling internally about whether or not to leave after this year to stay home with my baby. I love my husband: I'm proud of him and we're so ridiculously happy to have each other. He may not be a billionaire or famous, but he works hard and people like him and trust him and he's an excellent man in general. I may have gained weight, but I used to be so obsessed with weight and how I looked: now I'm more confident and healthy than I was then, anyway. I live near my hometown because my family's important to me and because I want my kids to know what it's like to know their classmates and their families and to not have to worry about metal detectors or finding a way to stick out among thousands of classmates. I have a degree in English - which is what I'm actually interested in - and I'm using it, which is more than a lot of people I know get to do. I plan to someday expand on that and get more degrees, but only because I love going to school and I love the sense of accomplishment a degree brings. I didn't go to a huge, fancy school, but I enjoyed what I had and graduated: what else can you ask for? And I may not have one complete child yet, but he's coming and he's wonderful and even being pregnant has been one of the happiest times of my life.

I'm SO fulfilled with my life right now that I guess I'm a little scared I'll get around other people and feel the need to justify my happiness or feel guilty for not doing more. Is this what everyone deals with? Or am I just a little too self-aware?